perseverance & grace
so last night it took me forever to fall asleep. i’m not sure why, exactly, but i’ve had a really hard time going to sleep the past 2-3 nights. it’s like i’m out of sync… i’m tired around 7:30 but then wide awake at 10pm. last night was the worst though… i took a melatonin after a while. nothing. took another one… nothing. prayed, got in the guest bed, prayed… nothing. took a benadryl… drifted off eventually around 11:30. woke up before my 5:20a alarm at 5:03a. bah. felt really tired. packed everything up and got in the car to go meet my running partners. i wondered how i would feel running with them - if my legs would be heavy or if my sore glutes (from barbell class) would slow me down extra much. but i decided to just see how long i could hang with them. it’s super humid here today and pretty warm too - just about my least favorite running conditions! i felt like i was huffing & puffing only a mile into the run. but my legs felt ok. it started getting light and i could see all the rolling hills in front of us. one of the guys in particularly likes to run ahead a bit and i could feel myself getting discouraged trying to keep up with him. as we approached one hill i thought, i just want to stop. i can’t keep up with them going up that hill. but then i tried. and i did keep up. i had that same feeling a few times… i want to slow down or stop, but then deciding to stay in the moment and try, and making it. when we got a couple of miles from the gym on the way back, the same guy that likes to stay ahead suddenly said that he wasn’t feeling well & couldn’t keep the pace and for us to go ahead. we did and finished out at a great pace. i *was* tired this morning, i wasn’t super chatty, and i didn’t lead the pack. but i made it through the run and even felt good at the end.
what i felt like the Lord subtly showed me this morning through this experience is that so often i see the hill up ahead or think about how tired i am or expect my experience to be hard and i want to pull back, stop, or just rest. but this morning i chose to persevere and in the moment of perseverance, there was grace to run & keep up. i definitely let my running partners carry the responsibility of the pace and i wasn’t super dynamic, but i finished well. i feel like that also applies to the rest of my day… i could wallow in the fact that i only got about 5.5 hours of sleep or i can be joyful that there’s grace to be at work right now. there’s grace to stay in this moment and not complain or grumble. there’s grace to look pulled together. even as i prayed for grace today, i realized that to experience the fullness of grace that the Lord has for me, i’m going to have to step out to a new place of needing to experience that grace. i can’t create this grace myself.
Contentment
My sister sent me this poem today. To me it is such a good reminder to be present where I’m at, to enjoy the familiarity of my home & city & family, to appreciate the unfolding beauty around me, and to fully participate in the experiences of today. It’s incredibly easy for me to get caught up in wishing for a life of traveling to new places and having opportunities easily unfold before me. However, when I reflect on my life right now I am able to find contentment in the richness of what I am blessed with through my husband, my family, our home, and our community. I am thankful for familiarity & routine and love the reminder in this poem to open our eyes to what is already surrounding us.
How agreeable it is not to be touring Italy this summer,
wandering her cities and ascending her torrid hilltowns.
How much better to cruise these local, familiar streets,
fully grasping the meaning of every roadsign and billboard
and all the sudden hand gestures of my compatriots.
There are no abbeys here, no crumbling frescoes or famous
domes and there is no need to memorize a succession
of kings or tour the dripping corners of a dungeon.
No need to stand around a sarcophagus, see Napoleon’s
little bed on Elba, or view the bones of a saint under glass.
How much better to command the simple precinct of home
than be dwarfed by pillar, arch, and basilica.
Why hide my head in phrase books and wrinkled maps?
Why feed scenery into a hungry, one-eyes camera
eager to eat the world one monument at a time?
Instead of slouching in a café ignorant of the word for ice,
I will head down to the coffee shop and the waitress
known as Dot. I will slide into the flow of the morning
paper, all language barriers down,
rivers of idiom running freely, eggs over easy on the way.
And after breakfast, I will not have to find someone
willing to photograph me with my arm around the owner.
I will not puzzle over the bill or record in a journal
what I had to eat and how the sun came in the window.
It is enough to climb back into the car
as if it were the great car of English itself
and sounding my loud vernacular horn, speed off
down a road that will never lead to Rome, not even Bologna.
Consolation
by Billy Collins
Strawberry Watermelon smoothie, The Juicebox, Austin (Taken with instagram)
Coffee at home on a quiet morning, Austin (Taken with instagram)
Transition
Today marks day 9 of not working since I quit my full-time job. My 40-hour/week job was The Good Job. You know, the one that pays well, has awesome benefits, is close to my house without much traffic, and includes fun co-workers. The only problem with my Good Job is that it is not life-giving. In fact, it was a daily drain on my energy reserves. I started to feel like I was a hamster stuck in a wheel - going through the exhausting motions of getting up, going to the gym, going to work for 9 hours, going home, making dinner, packing the next days lunch, going to bed. Repeat.
I worried a little bit about leaving a full-time work schedule. Would I get bored? Would I be at loose ends all day?
But something remarkable has happened. Instead of wondering what to do by myself all day, I have stepped into what feels like the most natural, life-giving role that I’ve been in. My desire to be with people & invest in friendships has returned… and I have made new friends. I don’t have to focus on conserving my energy to make it through the day… instead I can devote energy to supporting my husband, cultivating my home, and exploring the gifts that God has given me. Stress & anxiety have ebbed away… I don’t have to fit everything into it’s perfect little spot in the day and I’m able to more naturally go with the flow. In short, I have stopped having to cut off parts of who I am to cram myself into a square box and I can now breathe and enjoy the margins in my life.
What is a way - simple or complex - that you’ve transitioned in the past in order to create “breathing room” in your life or to follow a dream?
Weekday salad bowl (Taken with instagram)
Post-run breakfast (Taken with instagram)
Venti bold coffee with soy, Starbucks, Baton Rouge (Taken with instagram)
Starbucks, iced coffee, Austin (Taken with instagram)
Caffe Medici, Austin (Taken with instagram)
