perseverance & grace
so last night it took me forever to fall asleep. i’m not sure why, exactly, but i’ve had a really hard time going to sleep the past 2-3 nights. it’s like i’m out of sync… i’m tired around 7:30 but then wide awake at 10pm. last night was the worst though… i took a melatonin after a while. nothing. took another one… nothing. prayed, got in the guest bed, prayed… nothing. took a benadryl… drifted off eventually around 11:30. woke up before my 5:20a alarm at 5:03a. bah. felt really tired. packed everything up and got in the car to go meet my running partners. i wondered how i would feel running with them - if my legs would be heavy or if my sore glutes (from barbell class) would slow me down extra much. but i decided to just see how long i could hang with them. it’s super humid here today and pretty warm too - just about my least favorite running conditions! i felt like i was huffing & puffing only a mile into the run. but my legs felt ok. it started getting light and i could see all the rolling hills in front of us. one of the guys in particularly likes to run ahead a bit and i could feel myself getting discouraged trying to keep up with him. as we approached one hill i thought, i just want to stop. i can’t keep up with them going up that hill. but then i tried. and i did keep up. i had that same feeling a few times… i want to slow down or stop, but then deciding to stay in the moment and try, and making it. when we got a couple of miles from the gym on the way back, the same guy that likes to stay ahead suddenly said that he wasn’t feeling well & couldn’t keep the pace and for us to go ahead. we did and finished out at a great pace. i *was* tired this morning, i wasn’t super chatty, and i didn’t lead the pack. but i made it through the run and even felt good at the end.
what i felt like the Lord subtly showed me this morning through this experience is that so often i see the hill up ahead or think about how tired i am or expect my experience to be hard and i want to pull back, stop, or just rest. but this morning i chose to persevere and in the moment of perseverance, there was grace to run & keep up. i definitely let my running partners carry the responsibility of the pace and i wasn’t super dynamic, but i finished well. i feel like that also applies to the rest of my day… i could wallow in the fact that i only got about 5.5 hours of sleep or i can be joyful that there’s grace to be at work right now. there’s grace to stay in this moment and not complain or grumble. there’s grace to look pulled together. even as i prayed for grace today, i realized that to experience the fullness of grace that the Lord has for me, i’m going to have to step out to a new place of needing to experience that grace. i can’t create this grace myself.
